Funny Drunk texts

Posted on October 22, 2009 by Amee in Losers | No Comments

(312): So let me get this straight: He spent over $200 on liquor for two people, you puked twice during the cab ride home, he didn’t get laid, and he’s still speaking to you? Replied (312) Yep. He’s a keeper!

(215): I got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section.

(303): (sent): DUDE! MY MOM GOT TAKEN BY ALIENS! (rec’d): lol wtf? (sent): don’t LOL. its 3am and shes not home. this has NEVER happened! (rec’d): its cool i just got a txt from them saying she’ll be home tmro. (sent): UR A F*CKIN LIAR! they cant speak english dumbass! (rec’d): iPhone translation. there’s an app for that.

(908): I didn’t have enough money for condoms so i bought a scratch off- won 10 bucks- redeemed it for the damn condoms, a pack of gum, and a fuckin snickers.. time to get laid

(401): I just woke up in a tent with this girl, sat there for 15 minutes trying to remember her name, when she woke up she said “Hi, I’m ashley.” I think I’m in love!

(972): I am officially superior to you. I said “Go Go Gadget Dick” before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you’re sober now

(ghost): Sent last night: “I’m textn and bang’n your sister right now, how many points do I get?” Recv’d back: “you motherfucker”… Replied: “She’s next.” MDT

(732): i woke up next to her mom. i snuck back to her bed. they’re both making breakfast. high five later

(303): I just got to this party with (my fuckbuddy) and she saw my girl walk in, when my girl started walkin to us she gave me a quick hug n said all loud “great to see u again, let me know when we can all double date sometime” and walked off… she’s my future wife bro!

(sara): Last night, “wats ur cell phone numba? i can’t find it so i txtd u 2 ask…” MDT

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